Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
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-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.