The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
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male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.