“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
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If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
the best thing i’ve ever made
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah