Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
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I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”