No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
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The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆