I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
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I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
PER MY LAST EMAIL
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
The “baby” on the left….
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house