One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
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Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Omg 🤣
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
where do you see yourself in five years?
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.