My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
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“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats