mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
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John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win