Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
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For those that worship cheese..
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors