if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
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Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Jail
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
SF is the wild wild west man
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers