Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
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In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.