(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
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GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?