HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
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If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Children of the corn 🌽
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?