[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
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them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.