Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
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Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave