I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
You Might Also Like
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup