Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
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The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
If you are reading this then you are reading this
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.