“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
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My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Trumpy Cat
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
I am crying
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?