*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
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Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
🤔😂😂
Still my favourite meme.