there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
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*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Unexpected Judgment