Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
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There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭