My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
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Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Oh we’ve met.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…