“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
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AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in