Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
You Might Also Like
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
I am a gravy boat captain
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife