Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
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Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family