Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
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Yes my dude
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Made something I’m not proud of
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos