Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
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My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!