Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
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What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*