No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
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Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed