when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
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Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Running your mouth is not cardio.