Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
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Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
😩😩😩
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Please do it!
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.