Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
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Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse