Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
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The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”