[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
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NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so