“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
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i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
I pray every night that I never become religious…
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”