Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
You Might Also Like
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
my dog when i have a friend over
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.