If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
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Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
“Huge”.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]