Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
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I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
I’m already scared
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”