What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
You Might Also Like
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.