Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
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Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
dictator is short for richard potato
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.