Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
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Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
He a real one for that
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
pat pat
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.