Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
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Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
I don’t know what to do
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me