[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
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[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
the council will decide your fate
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal