I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
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me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant