What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
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sugar glider wrangler
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?