safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
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9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*