I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
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Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
the clam before the storm
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.