It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
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math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Huge, if true.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.