That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
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Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
girls literally only want one thing..
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.